EDIT: Thank you all so much for your thoughtful input. It means so much to me.
Hi, all. I’m looking to change my nasty tendency to be a sore loser, particularly when playing games. I tend to personalize losses that are of no consequence. When the game starts to shift against me, I often stop trying as hard because it feels hopeless. My partner is much more proficient at board games than I am, and I don’t want this toxic trait of mine to make games less fun for us. What are some things you all tried to lessen this train of thought, if you’ve experienced it?
Git good, don’t loose /s
git push origin main
Error: you have unresolved conflicts
This is why I use text editors(like kate, vscodium) to manage my git stuff 😂
I use meld lol
I mostly just switched away from competitive games (as in, games where you’re playing against other players). It is supposed to be a leisure activity, after all. I found I felt bad if I won (because I made my opponent feel bad) and felt bad if I lost.
There’s also the idea that the best board game experience is where all players had a good time. Paying attention to other players’ needs might help reduce your own attention to your investment in the game.
If the win is out of reach for me, I at least try and make them earn the rest of their victory. The more you make them have to actually work for it, the more they’ll enjoy the win. I guess I kinda think of it like a D&D game where I’m the DM: now my job is to facilitate the other player(s) having fun.
Either that or I’ll ask questions and try to learn, so I can come back stronger next time.
Reframe your goals. Is the game about winning or is it about having fun with your friends? Almost always the real goal is the latter, but our lizard brains don’t always realize this. Sometimes this may mean you choose to play differently because your goal is to maximize fun rather than win rate. And that way if you do lose you don’t feel bad because you still had a good time.
Ask yourself: what can I learn from this?
Try to stop seeing a loss as a loss. Try to see a loss as lessons, instead
I just stopped competing. I’m not a good loser or winner haha. I really like cooperative games.
Are you me? I hate winning because I feel bad and I hate losing because I lost :(
I’ve felt this way for a long time. The stress of competition and navigating other people made me feel grumpy if I was losing and maybe a bit arrogant when I won, and it brought everything down. So I said forget it. No more PvP, give me co-op or I’ll just go solo.
But recently a friend pulled me into his Magic: The Gathering group, a game I always thought I wouldn’t like. They’ve all been very patient and encouraging about teaching me and another newbie how to play, providing all the cards, and just generally being excellent. Having a friendly and good-natured group makes it all feel so different.
We’re just having fun, there are no real stakes, and I like that. And even if I got more serious about planning my deck and competing, I feel like they would totally go along with that. Or it could stay as purely a reason to hang out and socialize, which is great and something I value a lot differently after the pandemic years.
I remembered how I feel about sore losers. I look down on them as immature, lame, and petty. I decided that I didn’t want to be seen that way.
This is a worthwhile struggle. Realizing you want to change your perspective is a great start.
I am still this way a bit. Really it boils down to perspective.
For me I broke it down like this
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You get angry about losing because it makes you feel incompetent
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I am allowed to enjoy things casually, I don’t have to excel. I can excel at things that actually matter and have real world consequences, like work
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There are a million factors that can feed into a loss; luck being one of them
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No good advice, but I want to say kudos to you for seeking self improvement!
I looked at losses as an opportunity to improve. I’ll review the game, find my mistakes, and learn how to avoid them in the future. So when I lost at Crazy 8s I’d study. Just joking! I honestly don’t care about Crazy 8s that much to study my losses. What am I trying to go pro??
I eventually realized that this applied to every game. I’m not going to be a pro chess player. I’m not going to be a pro bowler. I don’t care that much to put the time and effort into studying and training the intricacies of Counter Strike. I’m just trying to have fun! That’s when losing stopped bothering me so much.
Two approaches. Mixed success with both.
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Choose games that don’t make you feel bad. This can mean playing more cooperative games, or it can mean offering to referee or sit out games you know will just piss you off. For me, the chance of winning isn’t appealing enough to outweigh the chance of ruining the game for someone else. It helps to identify what exactly it is about losing that makes you so sour. I have a hard time with games like Cards Against Humanity because the card combinations that are funny to me usually aren’t funny to anyone else because they didn’t go on the ADHD field trip with me to make those connections. It starts to feel like a popularity contest that I’m losing because my brain is wired wrong, and it’s hard not to take that personally.
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Set different goals in the games you’re playing, and define ‘winning’ for yourself based on those goals. I used to get annoyed every time my friends pulled out settlers of Catan. I would do what made sense to me each turn, but I’d always lose anyway either to random chance or just not having enough RAM in my brain. Even on the rare occasions I won I often wouldn’t have fun with it because I spent so much of the game being frustrated. So I decided the only thing I cared about in the game was getting one of the bonus goals, usually ‘longest road’. That was much easier to focus on, and it took all the pressure off me to win. After a while it became kind of a running joke.
It’s not perfect, and it doesn’t happen in a vacuum either. Sore losers often have anger issues they’re not dealing with (I know I did!) and figuring that stuff out will help in more areas of your life than just board games.
Your mileage may vary.
Good luck!
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You winning a board game doesn’t show your worth.
You either win or you learn.
If things don’t go your way this time, you have an opportunity to look over what went wrong and what you can fix for next time.
Then come back for round 2.
This works in both serious and casual situations. Even in casual situations, opponents often appreciate a player who can adapt.
Two approaches. Mixed success with both.
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Choose games that don’t make you feel bad. This can mean playing more cooperative games, or it can mean offering to referee or sit out games you know will just piss you off. For me, the chance of winning isn’t appealing enough to outweigh the chance of ruining the game for someone else. It helps to identify what exactly it is about losing that makes you so sour. I have a hard time with games like Cards Against Humanity because the card combinations that are funny to me usually aren’t funny to anyone else because they didn’t go on the ADHD field trip with to make those connections. It starts to feel like a popularity contest that I’m losing because my brain is wired wrong, and it’s hard not to take that personally.
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Set different goals in the games you’re playing, and define ‘winning’ for yourself based on those goals. I used to get annoyed every time my friends pulled out settlers of Catan. I would do what made sense to me each turn, but I’d always lose anyway either to random chance or just not having enough RAM in my brain. Even on the rare occasions I won I often wouldn’t have fun with it because I spent so much of the game being frustrated. So I decided the only thing I cared about in the game was getting one of the bonus goals, usually ‘longest road’. That was much easier to focus on, and it took all the pressure off me to win. After a while it became kind of a running joke.
It’s not perfect, and it doesn’t happen in a vacuum either. Sore losers often have anger issues they’re not dealing with (I know I did!) and figuring that stuff out will help in more areas of your life than just board games.
Your mileage may vary.
Good luck!
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