This is a serious question, mostly addressed to the adult women among us but also to anyone else who has a stake in the matter.
What did your father do for you/not do for you, that you needed?
Context: I have recently become a father to a daughter, with a mother whose father was not around when she was growing up. I won’t bore you all with the details but our daughter is here now and I am realising that I’m the only one in our little family who has really had a father before. But I have never been a girl. And I know that as a boy, my relationships with my mother and father were massively influential and powerful but at the same time radically different to each other. People say that daughters and fathers have a unique relationship too.
Question: What was your father to you? What matters the most when it comes to a father making his daughter loved, safe, confident and free? To live a good life as an adult?
I’d like this to be a mature, personal and real discussion about daughters and fathers, rather than a political thing, so I humbly ask to please speak from the heart and not the head on this one :)
Thank you
P.S Apologies if this question is badly written or conceived; I haven’t been getting enough sleep! It is what it is!
By asking this question you’re already ahead.
Be your genuine self. Share your wisdom. Love your child.
My dad never spent time with me because we didn’t share hobbies, I tried desperately as a kid to get into what he liked, but he never tried to get into what I liked. My mom knew the names of the kids on Barney, what snacks cheered me up, or what friends I had in school, my dad also lived in the house.
As adults we’ve found common ground in politics and TV, and we have a relationship now, but we’d have a much better relationship if he’d tried to hang out with me back then.
So I guess my advice is just hang out with her, whatever form that takes. Time is so important.
What do you remember your dad for?
As a father, love your child, accept your child, and above all listen to your child.
Thanks so much for your advice. Listening has come a lot in this discussion and I wasn’t expecting it… Why is that? is it because listening shows a daughter that she matters?
Everyone needs to feel heard. You won’t always be able to solve all their problems. But you can make them feel heard. And often that’s more important.
Because listening takes energy.
I’ll add to what others have said about listening, don’t assume she wants you to solve every problem. My dad used to do that and it drove me crazy, especially when he’d point out out like it was so obvious. I often already knew the solution, but sometimes I didn’t like it or just wanted to vent before moving forward. I think it’s good for most relationships to ask, “do you want advice or is this just to get it off your chest,” before responding, not just with daughters, but I’ve noticed dads are particularly prone to wanting to fix the thing.
I think our lizard brain jumps to the fore and want to be like: “unga-bunga - problem! Me can fix with solution! It make tears stop!” when in reality, like you said, kids want someone they trust to give them permission to do the thing they know they need to do. They need to know they can come to you and be open and safe and loved.
Yeah, it’s like that as an adult too. Pretty much everything feels better when there is a sense of compassion and empathy but not always the case with solutions. It makes me think that in general as humans we are much more concerned with each other than we are with the world. Or even ourselves, perhaps.
Being a parent is like one part being a therapist, one part being the fence to the boundaries of exploration, and one part being The Doctor or some superhero in your child’s eyes capable of making magic and excitement happen. Fucking incredible, honestly.
What a great way of describing it. And what an absolute honour and privilege to be that for someone!
You won’t always know what’s wrong with your daughter or what she needs but if you listen to her, like really listen, she will tell you which is so much more important.
In the long term, her being about to tell you things will make her feel safe and validated, it will strengthen your bond with each other, and it will help her develop the emotional intelligence to express herself in a healthy way that so many kids are missing these days. It’s win win win.
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I’m sorry I can’t contribute much, but as a fairly recent father to an amazing 3yo daughter, I’ll be following along!
All the best to you fellow father :)
Don’t drown their perspective out because you want to convince them of yours.
Good luck with this one, OP.
My wife’s father is still peddling that toxic masculinity bullshit on his grandson, saying…to our 1-year-old… To toughen it up.
My wife about lost it on him. Now that was to our son but for our daughter it would be no different and it’s a reflection of her childhood.
Being emotionally unattached, uncomfortable with crying, and being incapable saying sorry and admitting you’re wrong are simply massive. Kids are kids but they have a keen sense of justice and parents should empower them to stand up for themselves and be proud of them for exposing you as a hypocrite… Not beat them with a belt…
And for goodness sake, play with your kid. She wants to play dolls? Dress you up? Paint your nails? Tea time? By god you do it! If she wants to play with army men (they make army gals, too), go for it!
What everyone else has said but - apologize when you’re wrong. Tell your children that you were wrong, why you acted or said what you did, and how you will try to do better next time. Set the example that everyone is wrong, that it’s more important to make it right than be perfect
My perspective is slightly different since I’m a trans woman (have been for 10yr), but I was also raised by just my dad.
The main things I learned from him that have actually been useful are things like how to use a variety of tools and do basic handyman type jobs around my living space. I learned a lot of hard skills from him, but not so much soft skills. I can comfortably fix a toilet, patch a wall, or mount a TV. I also picked up the basics of firearms and engines from him, though I haven’t had to use that knowledge yet. The things that have been useful that I had to learn on my own were how to cook, how to sew, and how to clean.
I wish he had let me explore my emotions a bit more. I learned to repress my feelings and now struggle with that a bit in adulthood.
The best advice I can give is to be open and give her space to talk about what’s troubling her. Be an active listener, and don’t shrug her off when she’s sad or angry. Encourage her to learn hard skills that may be useful in the future, but also don’t be hesitant to learn soft skills alongside her. Let her practice styling your hair or painting your nails if she wants to. Gender norms are outdated anyways. More than anything, love, respect, and trust her.
Yes! On the other side of this, as a cis woman, don’t be afraid to teach her practical, hands-on skills that don’t conform to whatever ideas you have about gender roles. My dad wasn’t in my life much, though my grandfather was a fair bit. I was always jealous of the boys that were raised to have “shop” skills. I wanted to help with that kind of stuff but the adults just kind of shrugged me off, where I feel like if I was a boy I might have been invited or even volunteered to help. All the older men that have worked alongside me in shops act surprised when they see that I can hold my own around power tools. The only exception might be some of my robotics mentors.
I learned what I know mainly from a couple projects with my grandfather and some classes/clubs I took part in in high school, and while it’s something that does just click for me, I got to engineering school and felt pretty alienated when the boys had way more practical knowledge about things like cars and computer networks. Their father figures didn’t shy away from those topics with them and gave them solid foundations to build their skills upon.
Of course, you might not have those particular specialties yourself and she might grow up to be into different, traditionally “girly” things, but you won’t be able to say it was for a lack of support or because you were reluctant to share that side of yourself/your interests with her. It’s a whole level of connection that I think is too easily missed between people raised as girls and their father figures, while those raised as boys, yes, probably are more likely to miss out more on the emotional end of things. Both are important for a well-rounded human being.
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Listen. Listen and make sure they know you hear them. Actively engage in thier interests. Be honest. Just don’t bullshit them. Daughters know. Mine are 27 and 11 and those are my biggest missteps along the way.
Oh, also be wrong. Be wrong and accountable. And learn.
I can see see myself prone to those mistakes, as well as reluctant to avoid them. So it’s good to know they’re important and that it’s worth trying to. Thanks for that
My dad told me to eat salads and lose weight when I was a little kid. I will never forget. Please don’t shame her, weight and appearances are so touchy but criticizing every bite I ate only fucked me up. I was chubby, I still consider myself the same proportional level of chubby as when I was a kid. I have yoyo dieted my whole life and when I see him I still just push food around my plate.
The one great thing I remember about my childhood was driving long distances the two of us. He would often need to drive a few hours out of town to pick stuff up for work, and I would sit in the passengers seat with one of those huge map books and I would navigate us there. It was a ton of fun just doing mini road trips once or twice a month.
I also went to conventions related to his profession, the topic was boring but conventions of any type inevitably have loads of candy dishes. Just doing things together the two of us felt special.
I’m sorry that your dad said those things about food and weight and it caused that for you. I’m also really grateful for the advice and happy that you had sweet times together too. It’s really cool that he took you with him for hose trips.
This thread already has so much great advice that it made me a bit teary eyed reading it. I don’t know if I can contribute much but I’ll try.
- 90% of parenting is just showing up. Your physical, mental, and emotional presents will mean far more to them than anything else. That’s what will make them feel valued and loved.
- Fuck gender norms. Regardless of if your child wants to learn to sew, fix engines, or both, embrace it, encourage them, and be there with them every step of the way.
- They don’t really have any perspective on things so small things to you are huge things to them. Don’t just dismiss their feelings.
- like everyone else said, listen to them. Like really listen every time.
- Don’t over think it. If you’re asking these questions, your head and heart are already in the right place. Trust yourself.
I’m going to reply to OP directly, but your point on really listening is huge. My SO shared an article that, while I don’t have access to share it, I’m gonna copypaste it to OP because I think every parent needs to read it. Thank you for bringing it up!
Thanks so much for your comment - it’s given me confidence, compassion and some peace too :) It’s taken me nearly a week to read everyone’s replies and over that time it has made me feel quite emotional too. We all have so much love and goodness that we want to make happen the world. I’m eally glad I made this post.
Yeah, last point is very true. I can already tell this girl is gonna have a good father regardless if he applies anything from this thread or not, given he cares enough and has the humility to ask.
I totally agree. It makes me so happy to see this new generation that’s completely redefining what fatherhood looks like.
I had an excellent father. He wasn’t perfect, but his imperfections and occasional impatience made him more human and relatable. Don’t pretend to be perfect - let her know that everyone makes mistakes not just by saying it, but by showing them yours. Our world has become better for women to live in, but there still is a silent pressure on women to be flawless. Physically, emotionally, academically, professionally - we are not supposed to show weakness if we are to be taken seriously. Show her it’s ok to be imperfect, this will be even more meaningful coming from a male role model.
And I’ll echo what others have said - listen to her. Even if it’s stupid ramblings about her favorite band or what a classmate did or any number of things you really do not care about. When she feels heard on the little things she will know she has a voice in the big things.
Lastly, be honest with her about the world not being fair. This was something my dad maybe could have done better. I was supported and told I can do anything a man can do, but I wish I would have known a little sooner what societal obstacles I was actually going to face. You don’t have to make it sound ok or even acceptable, but all girls should know what they’re up against so they can be prepared to face it head on.
Don’t be afraid to be wrong and take accountability for your actions. I personally admired my grandpa for telling me this before his passing, there’s no shame in diligently striving for honor.
Most importantly, fight for those who can’t fight for themselves, you might never see the results of your actions; but you’ll be able to sleep soundly at night.
Did his share of the housework. My dad didn’t know how to cook well, but you bet your butt he did laundry, vacuumed, dusted, washed dishes, whatever was needed around the house he did it. And he did cook at least once a week, although it was always stuff like grilled cheese or pancakes.
Growing up in a household where both parents put in equal effort at home really set up the expectation for me that this is how relationships work.
My dad was also very loving and openly affectionate to us all. He would give us hugs, tell us he loved us and how proud of us he is, even to the point of tearing up sometimes. I love that about him and see it as an admirable quality in men.
Girls learn what to expect from men based on what they see their fathers do. Be kind, gentle, and respect your daughter and that’s the kind of men she’ll surround herself with.
