Having a family.
I’d like to be able to raise my children again. I think I could do better.
They fuck you up, your mum and dad. They may not mean to, but they do. They fill you with the faults they had And add some extra, just for you.
But they were fucked up in their turn By fools in old-style hats and coats, Who half the time were soppy-stern And half at one another’s throats.
Man hands on misery to man. It deepens like a coastal shelf. Get out as early as you can, And don’t have any kids yourself.
-Philip Larkin
The most depressing pessimistic view of humanity ever penned. In a nutshell, “You can only make things worse, kill yourself.”
I agree with Katrisia, it’s a never ending cycle. It’s also an exercise in futility though, Too many uncontrollable variables.
As a son… I see it as my parents probably tried to improve what their parents did and it may not have turned out how they would have wanted the intention was good. I hope my kids will also see that even though it wasn’t perfect I tried to improve what my parents had done. The last line I hope some people take seriously. Enjoy your life without kids, parenting is difficult and will bring a life of hardships… But it’s worth it if you put in the effort as long as you know you can’t make the perfect person. No changing your mind once you start. If you do go out for milk and never come back then the poem was true.
More like: “It is a bad neverending cycle. Break it”.
“get out as early as you can, and don’t have any kids yourself.”
Oh! The first part can be about suicide, you’re right. The second part reminds me of antinatalism, and I think it makes sense for breaking the cycle described.
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It’s a constant fear of mine. That I’m not doing well enough. I actually lie awake at nights and that’s not something I normally do. But I know that I can’t do more than my best, I’ll make plenty mistakes, but so did my parents and I turned out fine. As long as you give all the love and support that you can. They’ll be fine. There’s not much else you can do, honestly, they’ll have to find their own way anyhow
26 years ago I felt inexplicable happiness for 2 solid hours. Turned out to be PMS. I still remember that feeling and have never had it again.
Flying with my father. Flying was his passion and I only ever got to ride with him once. Sadly, he passed several years ago and I’ll never get to go up with him again.
Realistic hope
Kimberley M., 1998
I had morphine at the hospital once. It was like a blanket woven with fibers made of love, calmness, and warmth. I would love to feel that again, but not a good idea. I can easily understand how someone can get addicted to opiates.
I got dilaudid in the hospital after surgery and thought “Hah! What can this tiny pill do?”. Well within minutes I was in a fetal position on a cloud. My wife said I was the nicest I’ve ever been. lol
Yah, I can see the addiction potential there.
Damn, is that one supposed to be that good?
I got some a few months ago. It took the edge off the pain I was in, but I was still far from comfortable. I also had access to a fentanyl drip later, and I don’t really like the feeling of that either. I pushed the button like maybe 3 or 4 times total over the next week, even though it was probably the worst week of my entire life.
Morphine and laughing has have me curious, though. But I guess pain meds just aren’t my vice. Knowing how dangerous opiates are makes me way to nervous to enjoy anything but the lack of (or really just reduction in) pain.
All alcohol is fucking terrible, bar none ever.
Weird to me how 2 of the most popular addictive things just make me feel gross.
Weed though gives me a better version of the alcohol high with absolutely none of the downsides. Never had a hangover, but I would throw up almost every time and had an annoying headache that wasn’t debilitating, but hard to dull.
wow, definitely tempting from your description
If you told me I had a week to live, I’d do everything in my power to obtain clean heroin to find out what that’s about.
I think of heroin addiction as a yes or no question. I’ve tried it and it was nice (same with other opioid meds I have had to take) but some people, they try it and it’s like they have never been whole before that point, or never been without pain - if it “fits” like that you will miss it so much. It was not that for me. I can’t find the high in pot at all, either. I think it’s a genetic difference, not a psychological one.
I did love the sleep you can get with morphine, that soft pillowy comfort. I don’t want it all the time but it would be a great way to die, and it’s great very occasionally, like once every five years.
I think it’s a genetic difference
I’ve read that alcoholics have a higher release of dopamine than non-alcoholics when they drink. I don’t know how that’s measured or how true that is, but it makes sense to me that something physiologically different is happening.
I’ve also had reduced effectiveness of party drugs when I was on meds to treat bi-polar.
Oh hey I was just about to comment that the one time I got morphine in the hospital it absolutely did not make me feel like this. It didn’t feel like anything except “thank god the pain stopped, now I can rest.” But it didn’t make me feel good above my baseline and I was about to wonder if something was wrong with me? Now I just feel lucky.
Honestly I’d settle for easy access to a saline drip. The raw hydration and cool sensation in the veins. The medical smell too.
I have to drink like 6 liters of water to sort of almost feel that hydrated in a day.
I never came close to describing morphine even half as well as you did. And it still doesn’t do it justice.
Morphine is the best. And that’s what makes it the worst.
Same. It felt like heaven and you just felt perfect all around. And that was just a dose of pain relief. I tried LSD last year which i enjoyed, so i‘m sort of open to try new drugs in a controlled environment. Opiated however, never. I was lucky to experience it in a controlled environment like the hospital to realise this drug is not for fun, it will make an addict of you.
I’ve never done opiates, but that sounds kinda like just the right amount of alcohol and weed. It’s a tough needle to thread, but I have fond memories of nights drifting off to sleep perfectly content, perfectly warm and comfortable. The brain is tingly and fuzzy, the body almost feels like it’s on the edge of vertigo, in a cozy falling-twisting sort of way; like sinking into an impossibly soft mattress that just keeps going. Warm but not sweaty, calm but not numb, everything exactly as it should be.
Yep, dangerous stuff. I once had some minor surgery done. Afterwards I was sitting outside in a patient waiting room in a bed waiting for the drugs to stop working.
I brought my laptop and watched some episodes of Curb Your Enthusiasm. It was hilarious and super comfortable.
I can never do that again, it’s obviously super addictive. The medical professionals are right in being really strict when giving out opiates in my country.
Apparently people’s responses in this situation are a good indication of their vulnerability to addiction in general.
Anecdotally it makes sense. I’ve had morphine multiple times (after accidents) and found it meh. I certainly wasn’t asking for more. It so happens that I hardly ever drink and I’ve never done drugs of any kind or even wanted to*, despite having no moral objections to them and being around a ton of people who do them all.
*Okay, except psychedelics.
I think it varies by class of drugs (edit: and how they interact with your personality). I’ve used opiates and benzos before and enjoyed myself without feeling like I’d really care to try it again, but I definitely flirted with disaster/addiction with stimulants for a decade plus and alcohol for my entire adult life.
And it didn’t take long; the first time I tried any stimulant, I chased it (and I’ve tried a lot of them).
Psychedelics, on the other hand, I love and in most people there is little to no danger for addiction. I’d go so far as to say that unless you have a family or personal history of schizophrenia, psychedelics are almost a must for understanding or coming to peace with life, death, and society.
A good psychedelic trip is literally life-changing, and even a bad trip is life-changing if you go into it with a decent trip sitter and the attitude that a bad trip is still just showing you yourself and the things you need to work on.
I quit taking oxy once the pain subsided so i could have a beer lol. 15-45min of feeling like “everything is fine, really” while being forcibly dissociated every few hours was nice. Not worth the constipation at all.
Dilodin via IV drip was pretty great though.
First time I took amphetamines, it felt like a buzzing I’d had in my head all the time was suddenly gone and I could actually enjoy the quiet for the first time.
It was so great that I swore never to take them again, cause I knew I’d want to take them every day and get addicted.10 years later I was diagnosed with ADHD. Turns out amphetamines just let me feel what it’s like without symptoms for the first time.
Now I do take them daily (but at a much lower dosage).My kids are convinced I have ADD, and are probably right, but having used amphetamines recreationally and enjoyed them too much I am afraid of the meds. I told the one still at home to hide them when she asked if I wanted to try the Adderall.
How is this going for you? I don’t feel addictive in general, but speed? Oh my that is some good stuff.
Typically if you have ADHD then stimulants just make you feel “normal”. Like, when I take my meds it just helps me stay on task and focus on what I want to focus on.
My non-ADHD friends who have taken the same meds recreationally have said they feel euphoric when they take them, which I do not get at all. For me it’s just like… Strong coffee? (Then again, maybe lots of people are euphoric when they have their morning coffee?)
All this to say, get a real diagnosis, because there’s a real chance that you don’t have ADHD. Lots of other disorders can cause similar symptoms (e.g. chronic stress, generalized anxiety). Stimulants really fuck with your sleeping patterns which is absolutely terrible for yor health.
If I could hold a job without my meds I would probably stop taking them. I recently had to stop them temporarily due to another health issue and within 2 days my insomnia was gone and I was feeling healthier than I had in years. Yeah, it’s been a lot harder to live my life, but I had forgotten how good a nice, deep sleep feels
Individual experiences can vary significantly. With sleeping pattern, for example: when I was on Vyvanse, I actually slept better than when I wasn’t on medication; I fell asleep easier and felt more rested in the mornings. Strattera (a “non-stimulant”), on the other hand, had me waking hourly and having bizarre dreams.
I just use coffee and exercise and manage my work chaotically but it gets done - apparently my brief fashes of brilliance make up for the disregard for deadlines and processes, never doing things the same way for long, it doesn’t work everywhere but at my current workplace (and one other job) they are happy with things changing all the time.
Honestly the way I was doing speed recreationally (the method) would have been euphoric for anyone; back then I could sleep while high on speed and that felt so good too!
My kids, they figure I have it because they do & when we were doing the screenings for them I was like, no fucking way is that a symptom, that’s normal, that is also normal, nobody can focus on something boring for hours, no child can sit still, no teenager is organized, everyone is annoying sometimes that is nonsense - and they were just rolling their eyes at me. I still think half of it is just the world being messed up, not the kid. The modern world is not made for human brains.
I’m not addicted to the meds at all (recently went 2 months without, cause it would have been difficult to bring them to the country I was vacationing at)
They don’t kick, after the first week I didn’t feel any effect at all anymore, except for weaker ADHD symptoms.
God, same… it’s like all that TV static in my brain was finally gone. Ten years later and I’m still so damn grateful for it.
Let me get a couple
Weird. I’ve gotten oxy for a surgery, and it was just meh. Didn’t make me feel tired, didn’t really do a lot for the pain–which wasn’t really that bad–def. didn’t get me high. OTOH, I’m allergic to at least one opiate, so IDK.
Oh it feels good until the hives hit for me. But I was on Dilaudid. Never did oxy, vicodin didn’t reduce my pain enough for me to bother learning I’m allergic
Same here. A little warmth and then a sudden wave of nausea.
Hydrocodone made my eyes itch so badly that I couldn’t keep them open. It took about five or six hours before I could see anything.
Childhood
Looking out over unbroken old-growth tropical rainforest as far as the eye could see. It was beautiful and gave me hope for our slowly dying world.
Appalachian Trail for sure, I only did a couple sections but I am absolutely going again if I can. One day I’d like to actually do the whole thing but I just don’t have the time.
I did the 100 Mile Wilderness in Maine. It was an epic hike. I know the sections in VT and NH like the back of my hand. Miss them since I’ve moved.
Same, I’ve only ever touched my moms breasts
when I was a baby and my mom was breastfeeding me
Can confirm. Worth it.
Skydiving, went for a wealthy friend’s birthday and found it to be the most exhilerating experience.
I think it was around $100 when I went skydiving with a coupon code lol
I don’t have a spare $100 to spend on fun rn lol
The dial the number in the bathroom stall for a good time.
Europe and Australia. Only been to each once, but I loved both of them.
Happiness?
Idk I just cant feel it anymore, especially not after that monday nazi salute, I’m about to die (by the hands of the government)
I aim to kayak West Cold Creek again, and do better than merely survive. I have more experience and better gear, not sure of my strength. (I should note, Florida is the flattest state in the Union, creeks are slow.)
To save you a wall of text, here’s what I wrote the night I got back. Yes, it’s overly dramatic and disjointed. I was disjointed. Now I have an inkling as to why combat vets usually don’t talk about fighting. There’s a sense of, “You weren’t there, can’t possibly understand, why bother?” Wrote this to get my head on track, it helped a lot.
here go if you're interested
Went to conquer the West Branch of Big Cold Creek. Bucket list thing.
Got my neighbor to extract me at the Adventures Unlimited landing. LOL, the plan was to get all the way back to Carpenter’s Park in Milton. Nope. Couldn’t talk to him, sat quietly on the ride, shocked to be out of there.
We get back to my car, young rednecks hanging out under the bridge, jammin’ tunes and drinking beer. Young girl comes running up:
“Oh my god, is that your car?!”
“Yeah, that’s me.”
“This is gonna sound so weird but can I give you a hug?”
“Uh, sure…”
SQEEZE
in a rush of words
“Oh my god we saw you take off yesterday AND YOU NEVER CAME BACK and we were talking about who to call for rescue and we thought you might be dead and we didn’t know who to call and oh my god I’m glad you’re OK!”
SQUEEZE
Nobody goes down that creek. Nobody. Even the guys at Adventures Unlimited didn’t know about West Cold Creek. And they WORK on Big Cold Creek! 2-miles of non-stop deadfalls, downed trees blocking the way every 50’, 3 jams in 30’ was the bonus prize. Humped my kayak and gear over-and-under and through dozens. Logs; slippery, mossy, underwater, rotten, floating, covered in spiky branches. Over one and the current slams you into the next, on the wrong side. It gets worse the farther you go.
7 hours, 7 o’clock, 1.8 miles, no strength left, can’t make the main creek. 3 more impasses in sight. Soaked and submerged in West COLD Creek, over and over, for hours. Thinking hypothermia might in the works (sometimes one can’t tell because adrenaline, people die in summer temps), went to strike camp.
South side; solid creeper thorns, impassable, looked North, across the creek. No lie, a patch of sunlight (weird in these thick woods) shining on a flat, elevated position. Barely bigger than my tent. Like God himself pointing His enormous finger, “No you idiot, there!”Dragged my gear up a 45º incline, tied the boat to a tree, pitched camp. Nearly everything in the hull soaked, dry-bags too loose. Clothes and linens dry! Splatted gear all about, got in the tent with dry clothes, warmed, rested, took stock, took a beer. Got gear squared away, hung a clothesline. Like it’s gonna dry. So wet a road flare couldn’t start pine needles. I have created smoke!
Next morning, laid on my bedroll for hours, too sore to move. Heard day trippers, tubers and canoers, yelling on the main creek. People that close. Just gotta get off this tributary. No matter what I can pull the life-vest ripcord, float to a sand bank, await rescue.
OK; Tylenol, cold espresso, trail mix. 1 hour and I’m home free.3 more hours to until I saw Salvation Beach.
Wasn’t supposed to storm but I spent an hour or more hiding when it got bad, 3 storm bands, hanging on tree limbs under banks. Nowhere to safely get on shore, 20sq/ft of any land was a godsend and deserved a stop. Oh, and bailing the kayak with a dish rag after I lost my sponge. “Always carry a towel” is sound advice (Bugblatter Beasts aside), a big yellow sponge is a necessity.
So tired I flipped the kayak for the first time (and that was after I hit the easy creek). Lost my weapon, new and old phones, GPS, monocular, ecig, knife, don’t know what all. One bag but it was the good stuff. Still had survival gear.
I was extraordinarily cautious; one accident could strand/kill me. No getting out without a chopper and sling. Sometimes I wanted to quit, give up and fire a pair of flares at the next helicopter or plane. “How am I going to lever this @^%*! boat over this !#@%$ log with 10 gallons of water in the hull and taking on more!” In a storm, flooding my boat from top and bottom.
One time I grabbed the T-handle on the front and bailed into the swirling green. Don’t care what’s down there, this yak is going over this log. Promptly run over by my own boat. Came up laughing! Beat that one!
4 miles down the main creek I landed at Adventures Unlimited (local outfitter), borrowed the office phone to call for extraction. Looked rough climbing out of there, rain top shredded down the back, covered in bruises and lacerations. Workers at the landing were shooting the bull with me until one guy really had a look, “Do you need help man?” “Yeah, I do. Not with you guys this weekend but I need to call for a ride. Mind if I walk up to the church or cemetery, see if I can get a signal?”
I’m faithful about only testing one bit of gear at a time, way too much new stuff on unfamiliar turf. Many lessons learned. LIFEWATER STRAWS WORK! (Ask me, I could be a spokesman.)
16 Band-Aids/patches on my hands alone. I’m black and blue all over but from the knees down it’s frightful. Thought my legs were tanned and dirty, nope, bruising so solid it’s an even color.
Did I mention the non-stop boat full of spiders? And the big yellow sponge? Fun fact: You can flick banana spiders out with a big yellow sponge. Otherwise grab their leg and yeet 'em.
I’m going back in.
EDIT: Forgot the part where I hit a 5’ wide dead tree blocking the way. Couldn’t pull my gear over it, no way in hell. There was a 12" tall triangular opening on the left side. Held onto to a rotten branch, stomped my kayak under water and through the gap.
I’m really into the whole “man vs. nature” conflict. See y’all. I’m hiking out to see if I can spot that momma bear again.
