I want to outlive this shitty marriage I’m stuck in, sort out my finances, and take back my own life. I’m sick of being called a fucking cunt or accused of hiding money or all the shit he’s saying to me, none of which is true. He’s a malignant narcissist and I’m so tired of living like this.

Life is the only thing a human is guaranteed to have - and, as far as I’m concerned, we only get it once. To finish it early seems a terrible waste. It’s the only thing we’ll ever get to do. Might as well give it a bit of a go… it’s not like it goes on for ever, anyway.

A lot of life is about perspective. I have a checklist, of things that make life worth it for me. They’re gonna vary from person to person, obviously, but when I get super depressed, I go through my checklist in my head. I have cats that depend on me and I value their wellbeing. I have relationships with people I care about and want to see. (and kids I want to see grow up) There’s still things I want to learn, places I want to see, and things I want to do. Small things, too, like wanting to see the end of a show or enjoy a favorite food. Life has it’s hardships, but it also has a lot of things we get to enjoy - and I want to be strong enough to live through the hardships to enjoy the good things. Idk man it all probably sounds kind of cheesy, but watching the sunset brings me a lot of joy. Life doesn’t have to be perfect to be worth living.

Because I want to outlive my enemies.

Life ist the only dramedy about you you’ll ever have, so might as well experience that and with a little bit of Yolo attitude!

Because things will get better.

I have ten I could name and have named. The three that particularly would resonate with me are the idea I might still owe people things, there being less extreme ways of going about my issues, and the thought of what happens after death.

Taking action takes effort.

My backlog of games.

Because bad times dont last for ever!

My best friend ended his life nearly tw o years ago. I am still mournig and feel like I will never get over it. I cry at least once a week.

I can think of two reasons.

First reason: because things can and probably will get much better. Joy in life comes from the little things. That sounds cliche but it’s true. If I could talk to my 14 year old self, who was severely depressed to the point of trying (and thankfully failing) to take his own life, I would tell him about the next 20-ish years. Even though much of it will be hard, it will still be good. And he will grow in ways and get to experience things that he can’t even begin to imagine. That’s one thing I’m glad he failed at.

Second reason: because believe it or not, you will leave a giant crater in the life of someone (or multiple someones) where you once existed. My great grandpa hung himself in 1929. That’s all I know about him aside from his name. I never met my grandpa (died of cancer) but I remember my dad telling me a little about the impact it had on his dad, who was about 15 at the time of his father suicide. Long story short, my grandpa basically stopped growing emotionally at 15. He was a teenager who was very suddenly thrust into the role of an adult.

I don’t know what was going on with my great grandpa that led him to take his own life. I do know that what he left behind was a disaster. Including three generations of trauma, manifesting itself as a cycle of physical, verbal, and emotional abuse. He effectively destroyed his children who proceeded to pass that destruction all the way down to me.

If you’ve never watched Ted Lasso which I highly recommend, one of overarching themes is Ted’s difficulty dealing with his father’s suicide, which occured when Ted was 15. It’s a light hearted show overall but there are a few scenes that really hit right in the feels.

Even if you don’t have kids, there are people who’s lives will be permanently altered for the worse by your untimely death. Some will blame themselves, wondering what they could have done to prevent it.

What’s been keeping me going for 20 years is VR. I truly believe we’ll see full-dive VR in the next 30 years. I’ve been watching the progress for decades and the progress is staggering if you look at the big picture. Someday I’ll be able to plug into a fantasy universe fully and slay dragons and have epic fantasy adventures. That’s worth holding out for.

There’s always the next MCU movie coming out! You can grab a cheeky nandos afterwards with that one friend you’ve kept in touch with from school - but don’t spend too much! Need to keep up on the mortgage for the new build starter home with astroturf lawns you are locked into paying for for the next 25 years.

Maybe this will finally be the year for sports team to win something!

I just want to lose my virginity… lmao. And then next best thing would be to have an actual relationship with someone instead of the abusive one I have with my alone time hand.