I got divorced like 5 months ago after a 9 years with this girl who cheated on me, emotionally abused me, etc etc
I’ve been suicidal since the split, getting worse by the day still, and literally nobody ever asked if I was OK, aside from my mom. Even when I begged close friends for support they basically just ghosted me. My ex is surrounded by support, from the same people who I thought were my best friends.
Do I just have shitty people around me or is this just what guys deal with? The attitude towards me is just “get over it”. I’ve lost almost everyone I’m close to because of this and I’m starting to think there might actually be one viable option of getting over it because existing is simply torture. All of 2025 felt like just a bad dream but it’s unfortunately real.
Edit: Yes I have a counselor - a very good one I see weekly.
Bro. We’re men. No one cares about us or our feelings. When you come to grips with that. You can explore more self healing directions to go. No one wants to hear about our problems. Also. Your friends are not friends. Find new people if you can.
Trust me. After my ex cheated on me and left me. I felt like death for years.
BUT! It definitely will get better one morning. Just keep your chin up. Brush off the anxiety and go out and see the world.
Shitty friends.
Because we are the problem. Never them. It takes a decade of shitty treatment to be seen as the problem. Everyone expects you to keep on keeping on and quit complaining.
I only say this as being divorced for a decade now. My son lives with me since her Insanity is apparent to him. I get sympathy from my family now, but in the beginning I was on my own.
Do I just have shitty people around me or is this just what guys deal with?
Those “two” possibilities might actually just be the same thing. This is what guys deal with BECAUSE people are shitty.
People generally don’t go around looking to help others. People look for ways to make themselves feel better. People with a mantra of helping others may or may not be doing so, but they continue because it is helping them fill a hole in themselves.
I’ve never divorced, but I have had breakups, and I got over them by embracing the hobbies I had before (in my case, programming). That might not be a lot but it’s a start.
I increasingly believe that everything everyone does is for a reward of some kind. Even if it’s only feeling good about yourself, or belief in some imaginary after-life reward. If being good is being selfless, no one is truly good.
Because Men aren’t allowed to feel any emotion, and it’s always our fault no matter what. Like how any type of masculinity is toxic and chivalry is considered rude or borderline SA.
And it’s only getting worse.
Honestly, I think you got to kill yourself on the inside or be a republican. And its better to die then be a republican. I keep being told the left cares about my feelings, but they only care about the ones they want me to have and not the ones I do have.
Reps and Dems are so far gone that neither care about each other. I was a conservative when I was in the Army, but watching the left and the right battle each other recently, I’ve been slipping towards the moderate side.
Just don’t want to affiliate with either and just live in the middle of nowhere.I know I troll a lot on here but I just want to get these emotions out and get a different perspective on things.
My psychiatrist tells me that I need to open up more, but I feel that if I do, I’d just explode.
Oh well. No need to spill that on here. Whoops.
*Also, Republicans aren’t that bad. Democrats are just as bad from a different direction. At some point, they’re just Nazis pointing at each other with how far apart they are.
Sounds like that toxic relationship continued through divorce with her making everyone “take sides” and stealing all support. Can’t give you any advice, you could reach out to some of your closest friends… Or, just start fresh with new people… like, moving to a new city or neighborhood.
Good luck! Stay safe and strong :)
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Unfortunately a lot of people are going to assume you have it under control already and/or would prefer the solitude as you sort through it. That’s not the extent of the issue, obviously, but that’s a pretty significant compounding factor.
Hey dude, it sucks to be in your position now. Divorce is hard. You feel all alone and it seems the rest of the world just keep moving forward when all you really want is to stop and tend to this big wound that opened up.
People don’t want to stop and see this wound you’re dealing with because it makes them uncomfortable. I’ve experienced that the only ones who can empathize are the ones that have gone through something painful such as divorce, or losing a loved one.
I can’t say if your existing friends were good/bad, but maybe you guys weren’t close to begin with. I lost my “friends” during my divorce, some of it was me culling people out of my life because I realized they were just “fair weather” friends. I also realized that I wasn’t a good friend to them either. New friends I made afterwards were closer because i shared my story with them and they accepted me. That’s also why I made more friends with older single people, male and females, those who had seen some shit.
I got close with my siblings finally, which was amazing, I told them how I had suicidal tendencies or thoughts too. My family got super worried, but my brother’s got close and checked in on me more. I made time for them too.
I know a message from an internet stranger may not mean much, but I wish you strength and kindness as you slog your way through to finding yourself again. You know that child that’s deep down? That person that enjoyed doing whatever activity and got tremendous joy out of it? That guy. If you can, please look after that 12 year old version in your soul (hopefully that makes some sense).
May you be well.
Edit: spacing
First : sorry you are going through this.
Second : yes most guys won’t get the support they need. It sucks.
Third : yes you have shitty people around you
The people who you thought were your friends aren’t. Forget about them. Forget they exist. They aren’t worth your time.
Figure out what you like to do and join a club or group and move forward. Not just get over it. In that new group look for support there. Look for better friends there.
Thanks.
Yeah I’d be there for my bros if they went through this.
Yea, I have been there for several friends that went through this. If it really is how you say then those people kind of suck atm. Maybe ask one why before you write them off though. Better to know for sure vs remaining angry with people.
OP mentioned in another comment he went alt-right for a bit and came back.
I wouldn’t be there if a friend went off the deep end. I would however call him out for his views and tell him to fuck off vs just ghosting.
Ahh well if that’s the other shoe dropping. I’m always skeptical of folks that never bring up their flaws in the history. OP if that’s true you should own it, and apologize for those beliefs. It’s possible these people were done with you before the divorce.
He commented below with it. Might wanna reply there.
Good on you. In my experience no matter how much you’re there for bros, as soon as shit hits the fan for you it’s “sorry, I’m not really good with that stuff lol” and then they just kind of disappear until you’re magically better.
It’s also not easy to just write people off from your life for being shitty when you’re down and then be left with nobody. People act like “find better friends” is easy. Finding friends at all is hard for most people.
The quality of your life is the sum of the quality of the five people with whom you spend the most time.
five people with whom you spend the most time
To shreds, you say?
Do my dogs count?
I’d like to strongly challenge your third point. As others have said, there are many reasons people don’t provide emotional support besides “they’re not your friends.” They might not know how to be supportive, they might be afraid of saying the wrong things and causing more hurt, they might have an avoidant attachment style with a deep fear of having others depend on them. We all have moments when we fail to show up for people we care about, and if we respond by ending those relationships, we’ll be left without any at all.
I’m not saying it’s wrong for OP to end those friendships, and I think making new friends is usually a good move. I am saying that - when both parties are willing - being able to name and repair those hurts is part of having healthy relationships.
As others have said, there are many reasons people don’t provide emotional support besides “they’re not your friends.”
Some were not really my friends, some had problems of their own, some were just weak (or avoidant). The only ones I still blame are the hypocrites in the first category.
I am saying that - when both parties are willing - being able to name and repair those hurts is part of having healthy relationships.
I think 12-step programs are a cultish load of bullshit, but one part that I did apply in my life is making amends. I’ve reconnected with a number of people I’ve wronged and acknowledged that they didn’t deserve it, and I’ve had some deep conversations with people whom I felt wronged by. But there are also people I’ve frozen out with no way back, and others who, if our paths crossed, would be met with conflict. Those who didn’t help me when I was down, that’s one thing. Forgiveness is possible. But the ones who went out of their way to put the boot in during that time, that’s something else entirely. I don’t dwell on those occasions, I don’t seek those people out, but I wouldn’t let it pass, either.
I wouldn’t say his friends are just shitty people. You really have to work with bros to foster a relationship where talking about emotions is acceptable. As men, we are really just ill equipped because of broad ideas about masculinity and its hard cycle to break.
Im willing to bet, if you surveyed his friends, there might be some who are heart broken they didnt know they should have stepped up.
Fair enough
Without knowing more about you, it’s hard to say anything for sure. I can make a bunch of guesses.
One possibility: you didn’t cultivate your relationships as well as you thought. A lot of guys sink all of their “intimate relationship energy” into their partner, instead of spreading some out to friends and family members.
Maybe your ex ran a successful long-term hit campaign on you. That would fit with the cheating and the emotional abuse.
Maybe it’s due to the period of life that your friends are in. If everyone’s in their early 30s, they’re probably dealing with climate change, economic stress, children, etc. Doesn’t leave a lot of emotional bandwidth for someone you don’t already have deep ties with.
Maybe it’s a broader cultural thing. Guys tend to get the short end of the stick in general with breakups. We still don’t teach boys and men to explicitly emotionally support each other. We still don’t, as a society, emotionally support boys and men in general. Single dads get custody far less often, etc etc.
I’m not blaming you or exonerating you. Your situation sucks and knowing all the possible whys and wherefores probably won’t help you as much as figuring out what to do next.
I just want to say that this was a really well written and thoughtful reply.
Thanks.
Bro. I am gonna be real with you.
I was in an abusive relationship too. She cheated on me at 30 and blamed me. I am not going to sugar coat this.
It will fuck you up for a great long while. This all happened to me in 2020. I’ve been through intensive outpatient therapy. I’ve lost 100 lbs.
It still hurts when it comes to me. You are grieving. This ain’t depression. 40% of men who experience an unfaithful long term marriage commit suicide. You are heartbroken. You are realizing this ain’t you.
It will get better. Little by little. And I still have a long ass ways to go. I’m not even officially divorced yet.
I’m not going to give you advice, because the only thing I understand, is that I finally found me again, and I like that dude a hell of a lot more than I like who I was with my ex.
But it’s going to suck the entire time. The entire 5 years has sucked. But I finally see a light. There is a pinprick of light. I’m heading towards it. You can’t see it yet. I understand. But it’s there.
That statistic seems awfully high. I don’t suppose you recall where you read it?
You know, I can’t seem to find it right now.
It was in a paper discussing “Immediate effects of Post-Infidelity-Stress-Disorder”.
I was also given a similar number after my attempt (1/3rd of men)
It’s probably attempt suicide. There is generally an order of magnitude between attempt and commit. But I’m not downplaying how shitty it is tho.
She’s lying to your friends just like she lied to you. I know this from experience. Sucks and it’s not your fault man. Sorry to hear.
Yep.
Everyone in my life was done hearing about my divorce LONG before I was ready to stop talking about it. But, I just had to shut up and carry on, or risk driving them away.
This happened to me with a good friend. He wanted to stop listening, and admittedly I was on repeat (severe depression, major life changes coming and I couldn’t cope properly) - but it has the effect of drifting us pretty severely.
I resonate with this a lot. I wished I stopped talking about it with certain people sooner.
I don’t blame them, some people have enough shit they are dealing with and they simply don’t know what to say.
I do think that this is partly what therapy is useful for, talking about something you’re not done with yet
I am turning 50 this year and laying in bed next to a woman who just cheated on me again.
I wish so fucking hard I could turn back time.
I parked my car in the garage, rolled down my window and went to sleep. I was shocked/disappointed I woke up when the car was running out of gas.
It sucks so fucking hard that you love this person and you have given so much, but then you realize they don’t feel the same about you and then realize you don’t even know who you are anymore.
Are you even someone without this person?
Take it day by day. You need to find out who you are again.
I’m sorry you don’t have support. No one to validate how you feel, help you heal.
Please stay strong. Please keep looking.
Please find yourself again.
It’s not too late to change your life and live better. You can still get a happy life.
