Politeness norms seem to keep a lot of folks from discussing or asking their trans friends questions they have, I figured at the very least I could help try to fill the gap. Lemmy has a decent trans population who might be able to provide their perspectives, as well.
Mostly I’m interested in what people are holding back.
The questions I’ve been asked IRL:
- why / how did you pick your name?
- how long have you known?
- how long before you are done transitioning?
- how long do you have to be on HRT?
- is transgender like being transracial?
- what do the surgeries involve?
For the most part, though, I get silence - people don’t want to talk about it, or are afraid to. A lot of times the anxiety is in not knowing how to behave or what would be offensive or not. Some people have been relieved when they learned all they needed to do is see me as my gender, since that became very simple and easy for them.
If there are trans people you know IRL, do you feel you can talk to them about it? Not everyone is as open about it as I am, and questions can be feel rude, so I understand why people would feel hesitant to talk to me, but even when I open the door, people rarely take the opportunity.
hm, no - I don’t think it works that way for me, anyway.
My deadname felt very much like “me” and I lived as the wrong gender for decades, so one of the ways I adapted to that was to implicitly think about my deadname as not a man’s name, so when I met other guys with the name I had this horrible feeling like they shouldn’t have my name, and that’s not what I’m like, and so on.
When I transitioned and took a different name, the deadname within a few months started to lose its gender-neutral sense for me, and it’s like the name went back to being a male name without that dissonant feeling - which led me to mostly feel repulsed that I ever went by that name. It feels so wrong that I was ever called that, and so when I see or meet people with my deadname it’s mostly just a reminder of those feelings - that I went through this awful experience, but also that I’m so relieved I’m not that anymore (a kind of affirmation, in a way).
Is that what it’s like to meet someone with your ex’s name?