Serious question. Im new to posting, so if Im doing this wrong please let me know 🙂
I am in my 30s and the door is closing on the potential to have a child, which my partner and I do want. The only problem is finances. We live quite alright at the moment. My career is finally feeling like a career, but my research has shown that whichever parent stays home with kiddo (and one of us would, daycare costs suck) ends up with a nerfed career should they try to return to work after the kid is school aged. And 100% we’d want to be able to pay someone to help here and there. Just dealing with home repair, older vehicles, and no parents who live close means we definitely would need a break here and there… and it would be nice to be able to afford that to have a date night here and there. Add to that all the scaries of pregnancy (potential death, permanant incontinence risk, changed body, list goes on) and the world we’re currently in and… you get it.
On the flip side. Tons of folks are childfree, so there wouldn’t be any shortage of people willing to travel and stay up late on weekends alongside us. We could prioritize fun, including… drum roll please… my lifelong dream of having a horse. We don’t own land, so costs would go to a boarding facility, a vehicle that can tow a trailer, and care/training for the beast. Id never have tk wonder if I have enough time and money to care for both a kiddo and a horse.
Now, I get that this may read like I’ve already made up my mind. I love the idea of having a child, sharing the world with them, watching them grow into their own person. My partner would be a stable and fantastic parent. But the cons against it feel real. Can I ask for opinions? I am particularly interested in the pro-child ones. Thanks!
Tldr: pros and cons of having kid vs horse seem unfairly stacked. Help lmao.
Edit: Thank you everyone for your replies! I enjoyed reading them. I think a few people took the question too literally and/or believed I would really base such a huge decision on the opinion of internet strangers. That is not true. I did appreciate all the perspectives, however. The horse I refer to would be a real horse, but it also refers to all the other things in life a child free existence has brought those who live that lifestyle.
Barring extreme circumstances, we actually already have decided to have children. I REALIZE THIS IS A VERY PERSONAL DECISION. Each individual must decide for themselves what seems best for them personally. Our friend group is incredibly child free for various reasons, all of which are good reasons that I respect and Im happy for them that they are resolute in their choices. All are lovely around kids. They just knew or decided parenthood wasn’t what they wanted for themselves, and that’s ok.
Just for funsies - Reasons I’m Ambivalent about the Horse:
Without owning land for a horse, boarding sucks and there are always other options. I have connections to take a riding lesson here or there if the horsey itch ever arose, for instance. It is much cheaper to volunteer and take lessons or lease a horse. That and, yes, the horse care never ends and it remains a horse. I’ve been to rescues where amazing horses are surrendered without a second thought because they became too old or ill to ride, and the owner didn’t want an animal around costing money they couldn’t ride. Sad. Meanwhile, a child will learn, grow, and eventually become a full fledged human being if all goes well.
I know the world looks like its headed in a terrible direction sometimes, but I also believe it’s good to have people who care to have children that they want to raise as good and caring individuals. Biology tells us (or society does) to have kids and so we do, but I also think no one should have a child if they aren’t ready to care for them. So many kids are born to parents who end up ill equipped to have them. Regret is frowned upon in parenting circles, but absolutely exists. Our children will never be saddled with such burdens. To piggyback onto this…
I do disagree with those who say if youre questioning whether to have kids, don’t have them. Questioning is a great way to consider new angles and ways of thinking you might not have bothered examining before.
We have twins, they’re nearly 2.
IDK about the career angle. Would taking a year or 2 off in your thirties meaningfully effect your trajectory? You and your partner could alternate, you take a few years off, then he does. Or you could both go part time. Are there other ways you can stay connected to your industry? Additional study?
Statistically caring for a child may not be a good career move, but I suspect a large part of that is that having a child changes your priorities. Your career might take second place, not because it has to, but because you’re far more interested in hanging out with your kid.
Paying someone for help is a nice idea but it didn’t really work for us. We had 2x au pairs for a while, paid minders to help out on weekends et cetera. Here day care is heavily subsidised. They started that when they were about 15 months, 3 days a week. That has been a game changer obviously.
We’ve never done date night per se. We do family outings several times a week. We both make sure the other gets a few hours off every few days. I’m not saying this is “the right way”, some cracks in our relationship have definitely appeared and developed over the last several years. We just wake up every day and do whatever needs to be done.
I’m just not interested in Horses so I just can’t comment on that. I’m really into bikes though. I bought an epic e-bike powerful enough to haul my kids around in this trailer thing. They love it. I love it. It was financially reckless, cost about 9 weeks average wage, but I don’t regret the purchase. I will say though, you should talk to someone who has a horse and pays for all the things. For me the novelty would def wear off super quick.
The thing that I find striking about your post is the analysis. We didn’t analyse the decision to have kids. It was just something we wanted to do. We didn’t have answers for all the questions, or even bother to ask those questions, because literally every one of my ancestors has just gotten pregnant and figured the rest out day by day.