I was dating my coworker for about two months until one day she decided to pull a baby joke on me. I was 20, and she was 29. Everything was completely fine before this. She hopped off of me (we went all the way) and smiled at me with a somewhat evil look, saying, “In 3 months, you’ll get the notice.” I looked at her, scared, trying to ask if she was joking, and she said, “Yes,” but I still didn’t believe her.
We had a bad moment; she immediately ended the sex, and I dropped her off at home. This really freaked me out because on the first time we had sex, she took off my condom without permission and then said, when I didn’t want to go all the way, “You don’t trust me?” Additionally, the date we had planned for the week, she canceled without saying anything, and then didn’t text me the entire day. When I tried to call her, she hung up on me twice and didn’t call me back until the next afternoon.
She made my life a complete hell after all of this. She would hold me up if I asked her out on a date; she would be the one to initiate. I couldn’t ask directly; I could only mention it. By the way, she is Latina and did say to me that she was toxic. I got so scared after that incident that I even called an old coworker to ask if she had her citizenship because I was trying to avoid child support. Unfortunately, this coworker backstabbed me and called her.
She freaked out on me, saying it was just a joke and that I needed to “be a man.” A simple “sorry” from her would have gone a million miles, but she couldn’t even do that. I was so freaked out that I was planning on killing myself that week. We talked things through after a couple of days, and she wanted to take me out on a date again, but I just didn’t trust her anymore. My gut was telling me no, especially when I asked to use her phone to make a phone call, and she got all jumpy, saying she had to call insurance.
At that point, I decided to secretly end the relationship. I started playing dumb until she eventually left. But am I wrong for dumping her? Obviously, I am 99% sure she was cheating on me and using me. She was very nice though, only up till when we would go on dates, she would play super hard to get, her friends even let me know this, so I don’t know if this was some fucked up game she was playing or if she was really just cheating. We only had sex twice and she was my first ever date with a woman.
Also, she held me up for 2 months, didn’t text for over a month and barely talked to me at work, and then got upset on her last day on why I didn’t want to get back with her. She ended up completing her joke by leaving after 3 months. Another coworker (different), I told him the situation, still freaked out, and he said that he saw her and she’s not pregnant. I literally told him that he saved me from a year of pain
EDIT: I was drunk when the took rhe condom off
She raped you and then joked about exploiting you and a child for money.
NTA
Please stop trivializing rape. This was not rape. Yeah, some type of sexual assault as she took the condom off without permission, but rape is a whole lot worse than what was described here.
There are various forms of sexual assault but they violated his consent and then continued to engage in a sexual activity. that’s rape.
That’s not your gut telling you something is wrong. That is your reason, your logic telling you something is wrong, because something IS wrong.
Forcing unprotected sex on someone is rape. Putting it in context with the age gap, it’s predatory as hell.
If this is real, you did the right thing. Learn from this experience.
Holy shit. Neither of you are ready for a real relationship.
She is a toxic dirtbag and you need to learn to love yourself more than the person with whom you are in a relationship.
Everyone sucks here.
she took off my condom without permission
Removing a condom without consent during sex is sexual assault. You’re absolutely right to break off a relationship or go no-contact for this. In many jurisdictions, you could press criminal charges.
I even called an old coworker to ask if she had her citizenship because I was trying to avoid child support.
That’s not OK even if you’re very scared.
NTA it sounds like she has a very poor sense of humor and doesn’t care who she hurts. Taking of a condom without your partner’s consent is extremely f-ed up. It’s a form of SA.
The only thing you did that rubs me the wrong way is asking about her citizenship as leverage. I understand you were acting out of fear due to a situation she created. Still though, it’s pretty scary to be Latin right now and even more so if you’re not a citizen. Still nta.
Totally understand. I just felt like I couldn’t trust her even if she said no or yes, and I don’t believe she would’ve taken a pregancy test. She also kept holding me up on dates for about 4 weeks after what she said, then I told her I wanted to break up. She still was trying to get back with me but I was intentionally screwing things up to get her to leave. I was really scared of her after that moment, which is why I tried to seek external help from that coworker. My mind was looking for an escape at that time because I was thinking about suicide. It’s a very terrible situation and I hope you can understand where I was at the time. (Still not okay, but I just couldn’t handle the stress)
Like I said, you are nta in the situation. She put you in a horrible, life threatening situation. You acted out of fear and you did no harm. I just think it’s important to recognize the harm that could have been done. Consider it a lesson learned and an opportunity to move forward as a wiser, and perhaps stronger person. Sending you love.
NTA - if someone describes themself as toxic and then goes on to exhibit extremely toxic behaviour, save yourself the pain and get rid.
PS, removing a condom during sex without permission is a form of rape.
I was with you until the condom rape. It isn’t right, but rape? Seriously? How many years in jail for condom raping?
His conditions for sex required a condom. When she removed it, she lost consent.
Would you feel differently about it if a man secretly removed his own condom and put his load in an unknowing woman?
That’s exactly what Julian Assange did, and half the internet defends the shit out of him.
Half the internet can be wrong.
The question was, would you defend that?
Maybe? I don’t know about that. Not sure how it’s relevant here.
I mean, you asked
Would you feel differently about it if a man secretly removed his own condom and put his load in an unknowing woman?
and I pointed out an example of a man who did that and yet is regularly defended, so it appears a lot of people have no problem with that at all
Yeah, I get how it’s related, but what you said doesn’t answer the question, and at any given time on any given topic, half the Internet is just stupid and wrong, so, that doesn’t actually mean anything at all.
NTA
…the first time we had sex, she took off my condom without permission…
This is sexual assault and illegal in some places. Granted it is normally the reverse, but I believe the law is written so that it goes both ways.
EDIT:
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Non-consensual_condom_removalThis really freaked me out because on the first time we had sex, she took off my condom without permission and then said, when I didn’t want to go all the way, “You don’t trust me?”
Biggest red flag right there. If you say no and she pressures you, that’s more or less sexual assault.
The rest of her behaviour does not sound remotely healthy. It sounds like she was playing your emotions for whatever reason; with the hang ups, not answering, deflecting everything, etc.
You dodged a bullet.
Given the horrific treatment it’s more like the bullet grazed them. What a fucked up thing to experience.
Nta, and not shaming you at all op—I was twenty once too—this go for everyone that needs to read it: when someone tells you they’re ‘toxic’, believe it (and fucking run).
- A ten-year age gap is a huge red flag if one of the two is literally 20 yrs old. No offense to you, but as someone in their 30s, I cannot express just how much of a different place you’re in between 20 and 30. Straight up, 30 yr olds shouldn’t be snooping after 20 yr olds (and yes I know she’s technically 29, but the point def still stands).
- What she did would be considered sexual assault to many people, myself included. Lying about condom use flies in the face of consent. Not trying to pathologize, but I sincerely hope you’re okay. You mention wanting to kill yourself at one point. Based on everything you said, you should NOT be in a relationship with her toxic ass. Not trying to be cute, but you should consider talking to a therapist about what you had to go through. Cuz that’s a lot for anyone to handle.
- Fuck ICE
- Break up, move on, and good luck.
I was never planning on calling ICE. I was asking because if she were to take me to court, I would tell her to take a DNA test (My friend told me she needs to have citizenship for that or else she can’t collect). I’m sorry if this is a short response, I’m currently at work with limited time to respond. I kmow It’s fucked up, I know, but I would never do that to her ever. Not at all my intention. I was really in love with her at first before she made that joke. I wrote her a 3 page letter, played guitar anf sang for her, etc. which had a part in her wanting to “stay” with me I believe. It was also my first time going all the way, so when she said that, I literally freaked out inside and didn’t know what to do. This is also my first date ever.
EDIT: Just got out of work, I read the rest of your comment. Thank you for the support because it really did mess me up badly, I should probably go see a therapist. I was in complete stress for 3 months until that other coworker told me that he saw her down the street (she lives by work) and said she’s not pregnant. This is from a coworker I trust.
Edited my comment, I misread the citizenship part. That was entirely my fault, and I apologize to you for insinuating as that you’d involve ICE.
No one said you were planning on calling ICE.
It’s just something that gets said in general, because fuck ICE.
Oh, okay, I understand.
Fuck ICE.
I would say she seemed toxic imo. Good thing you left. I would probably say the only thing you could have done better was to be direct and break things off straight away. Or try to explain to her why she made you uncomfortable instead.
I’m always assuming devils advocate whenever I see these posts. I gave up halfway through the first paragraph. The first time its nothing more than a distasteful joke and is ultimately probably pretty funny when all is said and done. The fourth time is a repeat offender and it was always intentional get the fuck out of there holy shit dawg RUN.
This girl’s the dirtbag. NTA in my book. Holy cow what a ride you were forced upon…
Edit: Now that I think about it, I wonder if there’s an AITA thing on Lemmy. If not, I’d be happy to make that.
I don’t know, if only it didn’t attract all kinds of creative writers and compulsive liars, in search of sympathy and sweet sweet upvotes… “I kicked my son out and disowned him because he didn’t like my ketchup ranch lasagna AITA”
Yeah. I like the concept, but half of the ones I saw on Reddit were obviously bullshit written by teenagers who think that real life plays out like movies.
But am I wrong for dumping her?
Fuck nah, that shits fucked up bro. The only way I would get back together if she agreed to go to therapy with me; IMO she herself has some deep seated trust issues that it seems she’s not entirely aware of.
You were wrong for having a relationship with a coworker. Don’t shit where you eat as they say. I would avoid any girls like this. removed the condom. wtf. I would assume she was inviting anal at that point.
Trust me, I learned my lesson. I am never doing that again.
