I guess there wasn’t really question there so, how do I fix that?

which has the potential each and everyday to ruin it all for them (which is a compulsive intrusive thought in my mind). But I hang on, I try to.>

Are you fighting the urge to off yourself or the urge to off your family? In either case I hope you’re finding adequate support/therapy, if not ask for help here. Hopefully your state or country has resources available.