I go to work to work because I need a paycheck, not to make friends.
Where I am there is a new coworker that to me acts needy (think of Slow Horses’s Struan Loy), tries befriending me, but he invariably asks if everything’s ok. I don’t care about this person’s life.
The first 2 times I didn’t think anything of it, but he asks that every day and it’s becoming tiring.
I feel mobbed and stalked, mobbed because he keeps insinuating there is something wrong with me just because I don’t ask him about his private life and do my job, and stalked, because he is so fixated on me.
going to HR over this seems ridiculous, but I’m starting to hate his voice.
I have a similar coworker, was constantly coming by and trying to start up conversation. Asking what I did the weekend etc. Why I don’t like their pears etc.
Finally one Monday morning when they came by wasting time I pulled off the headphones and asked "do you have a work related issue you need help with? " their response was “no I’m just socializing” I responded with something implying they’d actually be good at their job if they did that instead, and I’m not now or ever interested in socialising with them. They finally buggered off.
“I’m not interested. Please leave me alone.”
i have a lot of issues speaking my voice (that ive been really really trying to work on recently) but the thought of me trying to say this is right there next to causing a huge scene and yelling FUCK OFF
how do you guys do this shit XD
It seems to me that by speaking up when you’re still calm, you can avoid erupting at an inopportune moment and causing the huge scene that might worry you.
I used to feel terrified about how people judged me–for good reason, based on how people treated me when I was young. Eventually, I grew utterly exhausted from trying to please everyone, after which it became much easier to speak up for myself.
Now I find it easy to offer a cheery “No, thanks” while acting like it’s perfectly normal and leaving the other person to be confused and to deal with it.
I wish you peace as you work towards finding your voice.
Years and years of trying to be nice to people and them just using it against you, and treating you like shit is how you become comfortable being direct, and no nonsense.
Also remember not to worry too much about what that person is gonna do. In most cases even a manager cant even do all that much to you in retaliation, and if they do you have a case to take to HR. Don’t just accept that you are a victim.
Seconding that.
Not cruel, but firm and transparent. Not too escalating, but not too subtle. Spot on.
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This is the best answer. Not that you even owe them this much of an explanation. But it provides enough detail to satisfy them and succinctly tells them in corporate language to fuck right off.
Don’t say it, send it in an email.
Carry it printed on a sign behind your back until he pops up, then whip it out after the first question. Then walk away after he’s read it, while conspicuously taking handwritten notes and looking back over your shoulder.
Why in god’s name would you escalate to writing?
so that if it escalates there is a trail of information to bring to hr. especially a good idea if this person has been around the company longer.
I would go to HR since this sounds like covert harassment to me. Don’t think it’s ridiculous - you have the right to be left in peace. Lots of red flags on your post. However, it’s worth trying to talk to him first, so here are my suggestions:
If you are working: sorry Mr Loy, this is not a good moment. I’m trying to get work done
If you are not working, but also not ballsy enough to tell him to go away: sorry, I need to go ( go to the toilet or just pretend to be in a rush)
If you really want to set up boundaries anytime (recommended): thanks Mr Loy but I’m not interested
The tone in which you say things has a lot of weight though. If you can sound tired and bored of him, all the better. People who pick and harrass others typically go after people who react either hysterically or annoyed, or also after people who appear coy or shy and polite. I hope this helps.
“Fuck off”
I’d always suggest being direct instead of waiting for other people to take a hint. Tactfully, mind you. Phrase it in a relaxed, emotionally neutral way that doesn’t single him out. Something like “Really, I am doing fine. When I’m at work, I just prefer to focus on the work itself instead of talking with people. I’m more at ease that way.”
That being said, is this the kind of work situation where you’re one of many options to make friends with or is it more of a you and him stuck in a room together all day type of thing? He sounds like a lonely person and if the two of you are stuck together then the best idea might be to seek a social compromise between you two’s preferences, like designating some specific portions of the day as times when it’s appropriate to have a conversation. You try to be sociable for him when it’s on, he tries to be quiet for you when it’s off.
Without knowing more about the situation, the best response is impossible to determine.
Are they fixated on you because they think you have social needs?
Has everybody else told them off because he is annoying and by not telling him off you are granting some degree of (passive) acceptance that he is needing?
Is he romantically interested in you?
“Look man, I just have no interest in having work friends. I am here to do my job and go home. You are distracting me from doing my job and I don’t appreciate that.” Or whatever.
Going to HR may be the smart move to avoid him going to HR about you not being friendly or a team player or whatever nonsense if you professionally tell him off. I wouldn’t tell HR you are being harassed, just tell them that he is distracting you from work and don’t appreciate it. If he continues after HR talks with him, then tell HR you feel harassed.
You going to HR can also take place of talking to him yourself. You talk to HR and ask them to tell him to let you work, they talk to him so you don’t have to try and navigate his bullshit and you get the issue noted to support your side of things.
To add to this, OP may want to put their thoughts down in writing. An email or memo or note or anything as long as it’s not a text or other personal non work form of communication.
Lay it all out, over write it, put too much detail and then pare it down to what OP believes to be acceptable. Have some copies of it.
Give them the written missive that boils down to “leave me alone” Make a note of the time and date.
If the co-worker keeps being a pest, go to HR, with a copy of the missive, and a note of the date it was given to co-worker so that co-worker cannot wheedle their way into making it about them trying to “help” OP.
Also, fuck every co-worker who pulls unprofessional shit like this. It’s abhorrent and borderline harassment.
You going to HR can also take place of talking to him yourself. You talk to HR and ask them to tell him to let you work, they talk to him so you don’t have to try and navigate his bullshit and you get the issue noted to support your side of things.
This is how humanity dies.
Humanity is already dead. Allowing him the chance to get to HR first to complain means you are going to be on the wrong side of things.
We don’t know his mental state or what he may do if rejected.
This whole comment right here.
I was thinking the romantic interest thing right out of the gate. I like your emotional need take, too. Either way it’s not work appropriate esp. if OP has communicated their disinterest before.
I also like your direct communication prompt.
While you’re right about how HR works/how to go about it, I find HR a hammer when a finesse tool might work. OP could ask their manager how to deal with it. Not only does this put it on the radar, but it’s a bit less official, and might yield the gray zone outcome OP is looking for
My coworker put up a sign that says, “I don’t have time to chat.”
Tell him the truth. He’s so annoying you asked a bunch of randos on the internet what to do about hi.
lol show him a link to this thread and ask him to pick which answer he prefers.
“Everything is good, thanks. Staying busy with work…” and then either get back to work or stare at them until it gets awkward. Its possible they have trouble with social cues and you seem friendly or nice or whatever, people are weird and being a new employee is stressful so trying to latch onto someone who comes across well can be a thing that happens. I try to redirect people like this to the topic of work and answer any personal question with something boring. What did you do this weekend? Laundry. If they have any self awareness they will eventually only talk to you about work. Stay professional and don’t be rude while making it clear you are at work to do work and have no interest in their personal life or sharing any details of yours.
This is good advice. Keep the conversation short, formal and boring. Bring up the weather as a signal there is little of interest in the conversation. When you are ready to disengage say “I will let you get back to your work now”
“Really, dude? I am so tired of you asking that. It’s none of your business if I’m ok or not. Stop asking.”
Tell him directly first. Then if he persists go to your boss or HR and tell them you think probably he is trying to be nice but keeps interrupting your work and won’t stop, and the distractions are starting to interfere with your work.
Seriously, just say this OP. You being an introvert has nothing to do with saying the bare minimum. It’s honestly insulting using that as a crutch, introverts just don’t like extended social interaction and need time to recharge. We aren’t timid or frozen.
Correction: introverts may or may not like extended social interaction, and need time to recharge.
going to HR over this seems ridiculous
It’s not.
More to the point, you should do so before he beats you to it, complaining that you’re not being a “team player” or something.
Lol, what? WTF kind of advice is this?
NO. You talk him like a peer and respectfully say “stop,” you don’t run to the fucking work police and try to get his ass in trouble because he’s annoying you and you never told him you were annoyed. Why would you complain to HR because someone annoyed you when they don’t even know they did it?
Sure, let’s just escalate this shit and make his life worse, guarantee he’ll be pissed off at you because you didn’t react like a reasonable person, you did what the institution that most alienates you from your humanity suggested ( your workplace, complain to HR), and make the entire situation worse than it ever needed to be. Let’s just jump to firing the guy while we’re at it, because a negative tip to HR for a person in their probationary period might be that anyway!
Fuck off with this advice.
Going to HR at this point in this situation DOES mean you aren’t a team player. It’s like shooting your teammate’s knee out instead of passing the baton if you were running in a relay race.
Talk to the man like a human.
“Look man, I appreciate the concern, but really, I’m fine. I just prefer not to socialize.” Then divert your attention to something else.
Or you could pull an SGDQ and go with the ol’ “I would really prefer it if you would be quiet.”
“Please stop asking me if everything’s OK. Everything is fine and your concern is appreciated, but I prefer to work in silence and I’m not getting any right now.”
Or just stop after the first sentence.
Or before the “, but”
Or after the “but” and before the “and”
