As a shut in with social anxiety and very introverted I’m wondering how to find friends now that I got better. Basically starting from zero since I know nobody in my city so I’m wondering if someone has some experience with finding friends as lonely anxious introvert and just how other people find friends.
I made friends with people I work with.
That is a horrible idea. You should always keep your work and personal life separate.
This is dumb as hell. Why wouldn’t you want to be make friends with the people you are going to be spending nearly a third of your time with?
Work friendships can get messy. Conflicts, promotions, or job changes can strain the relationship and create awkwardness or lead to unfair situations. Additionally, you never want to give your coworkers dirt that they can use against you. It’s safer to keep things professional and make friends outside of work.
It’s safer to not do a lot of stuff. Soooo many things everyone does every day “can get messy.” But I’ll be damned if I spend a third of my life being a work robot. Granted, I’m not in a cut-throat, dog eat dog work environment like I imagine a lot of folks are, but it’s bad blanket advice to say don’t make friends at work. I work with two other guys, we all do the same thing, we all have similar interests, and we would all be super stoked for each other if any of us got a promotion.
Good advice: Just use your brain. Yeah, if that bitch Carol from accounting is gunning for the same position as you, probably don’t tell her how hard you were partying last weekend with the bosses daughter. But if Dave from IT is talking about that super sweet video game you’ve also been playing, get in there and have a fun chat with Dave. Get his screen name. Kill some zombies with Dave.
Just pay attention, read the room, and think before you speak. You can definitely have work friends in any work environment if you don’t make dumb decisions.
I have no idea what you’re talking about. I resolve conflicts as they appear, personal or work related, they are a part of any relationship. Promotions - I am a dev, not sure what promotions would be relevant, and how that would be a problem. Job changes - many of my friends that I’ve made at work through the years changed jobs and we’re still friends - I don’t see a problem here either? And what dirt? How would they use it? If I told them I am tired lately, they would told the boss that I am slacking or something? And the boss would probably just think they are a weirdo to keep eye on? Maybe you work in a very toxic environment, I have never had any issues.
I agree, while I’m super chummy with my work mates and love them to death. I would never in a million years hang out with any of them…
Same. I’ve been having a blast for the last year with three other ppl from work: we go for coffees, play board games every two weeks, chat in messages.
Haven’t been so happy with my social life since, like, ever.
I started playing Disc Golf and then went to a local League night weekly for a summer. That got me familiar with a lot of people and I made a few friends to play with on the weekends.
As a shut in with social anxiety and very introverted
As someone who is similar, my advice is this. Get yourself one friend who is the exact opposite. If they care about you, they’ll basically force you to attend social functions and stuff with them, and that will put you into a situation to get more comfortable with more people. Their friends become your friends.
This would be great, now just to find some extrovert that would adopt me.
That’s the tricky part. School or work are the usual avenues. There’s also dating. I ended up marrying my extrovert.
They don’t. That’s why they’re alone.
Not a shut in, but I don’t have any real local friends. I don’t go out much because going anywhere costs money, and I don’t have a lot of spare money, if at all, after rent and food. Living as a freelance artist with a day job just to get by really isn’t a good recipe for finding friends who aren’t in a Discord voice chat.
Short answer is; if you’re unwilling or too broke to go out, you will not have friends, and you’ll remain quite lonely.
Bars, volunteering, church, board game shops, dating sites, neighbors. Anecdotally I got a dog and now I know everyone in my neighborhood due to walking him twice a day, but I wouldn’t go as far as recommending a dog for that purpose.
I second dog. Also just walking to and from a local shop is better (for social opportunities) than driving or biking.
I would also add gardening. I’ve got a front yard and I met more people in one summer digging it up than I had in the previous five years. If you don’t have a front yard to dig in, a community garden would also work, or maybe even some guerrilla gardening.
Let me know if you figure it out. I plan to start doing yoga, so we’ll see how that goes.
I have made real-life friends on Instagram (well, back when insta was still semi decent), it’s much easier for me to make the first move by text than try to do it face to face. Discord maybe? Activist groups in my experience are a good place to find like-minded people and they are usually welcoming to newcomers, same thing with underground-ish/alternative art/culture spaces – if you are into any of that. Usually you can contact someone beforehand to show you around. For me it’s really difficult to go to unknown social groups alone so the usual suggestion to “start a new hobby” doesn’t really work.
You’re going to have to get out of the house and interact with people, whether that is at work or some other group function. Some people use bars/clubs for that, others use church. Some engage in sports or gym, some join a book club. Seek out situations that force interaction with others and be open to it without making it weird by seeming needy.
“You’re going to have to get out of the house an-”
I’m out.
…out of the house I hope.
Honestly I am an introvert with social anxiety who is always worried about seeming needy, but I have found the good kind of extroverts that understand that and know that I am just shy and not intentionally trying to cling. The best kind of people.
Do you have an hobbies that may have groups in your area? What about volunteering somewhere if feasible?
All my hobbies are inside, gaming, movies, anime, tv shows, cooking/baking. Was looking into some larp club but there are only for kids and teenagers.
Agree with LBS/LGS!! If you live in an area that doesn’t have those maybe try discord groups of some games you like? Or be a rando in some group games and maybe find friends that way
Have any outdoor hobbies ever interested you? Never too late to get into something new.
For inside hobbies there’s board game groups, tabletop roleplaying, TCGs (Magic, Pokemon). A lot of Local Game stores run events that don’t require you to know anyone to start. If you like cooking, there could be local classes or a short course run by a college that you could do.
More out of left field, I found that dancing introduces you to a lot of people. Lindy Hop (vintage swing dancing), Salsa, Bootscooting. Pick your poison and there is likely to be a dozen classes or social dances in your area. Not for everyone of course, but usually if someone goes out to dance they want to be social, so you’re bound to find someone to chat with.
gaming
Pokémon Club! I went with my kids ages ago, and I’m the only one that habitually goes now.
Half the group are below 5-20, the other half are 20 and above - and it’s an absolute riot. I’ve made some decent friends, taken Pokémon Go raid bosses that I’d never have been able to take in a rural area normally, and the adult-only raid walks are just a good excuse to chat bollocks. I’m not really in to the TCG side of things, but even the people who I don’t have much in common with are awesome for type and counter knowledge.
I’m not even big into the Pokémon series, it’s just an excuse to talk shite for an hour and rinse some XP.
Cooking and baking classes are fun and a good place to meet people.
Same, I hate how you can’t do anything with single inside hobbies, but I can’t fake interest in outside stuff
What kind of gaming are you into?
All kinds mainly automation but also love tf2. Factorio, timber born, fallout, space engineers, valheim,
Meetup.com is great for meeting people, and it’s good if you don’t necessarily have a hobby or want to explore more things. There are hobby-based meetups as well as those more based on socializing and recreation and plenty else to explore.
Maybe it’s possible for you to do some further education or a diploma? It brings you regularly together with people with common interests.
Hobby oriented stuff. Take a look at meetup.com or public recurring Facebook events. From a nerdy perspective also; Game stores that host groups and events public clubs like I have a monthly anime club near me for instance.
Meetup. Or really a any situation where you’re with people doing the same activity.
